For some reason this thought or theme pops up in my mind at 3.38 am . It’s unclear to me if this is because of me personally, the way I was raised, my football team peers, media or just a complete lack of any deeper knowledge in the matter.
Who bloody knows, but what I’m going to do is just open up a complete trail of dribble and see if it gets us anywhere.
Growing up I’d hear words like faggot, poof, bender, queer, gay lord, fag and raving homo , among others . This last one continues to confuse me, is this a homo who parties too much or is a large homo. In my mind if you grow up hearing these things in a negative fashion about obviously gay men it kind makes you think being gay isn’t really the thing to be. Oddly though, I was always told by my dad that there is nothing wrong with gay men.
Conflicting, so should I be gay sad. Lol absolutely not. It meant growing up that I didn’t dislike gay people, as I’d never really meet one. But I certainly knew something was wrong with them and that I, where possible it seemed to me, I should avoid. I wouldn’t say I’d ever avoid them. But I’d never knowingly met a gay person so it was all simple. Hate gay people from afar, don’t be one, don’t spend very long with them or you’ll be a weirdo.
It certainly wasn’t all from home either, the hate that is. To be honest I still do say naughty bad things with “gay” now. “aargh massive gay cunt ” “you stupid gay bastard ” “big fat gay wanker” point being these are things I’ll often say if I miss my train, hug the wrong girl and get caught, basically anything I didn’t plan to happen. “gay” being the negative noun (wtf is a noun?) . All the kids at school would us this, at least certainly to my memory it seems that way. If more people than less are doing something its very difficulty to do the opposite of that. A slight cop-out, but its still true.
In my mind this is homophobia, having a pre-conception of somebody I’ve never met before that alters how I might otherwise think of them. When you think about that it is quite fucking stupid. Unless they are pedophiles their bad.
The first gay I ever met (changing names for some reason) Stephen Cohen was my girlfriend at the times best friend. An absolute gay mother fucker of a giant cunt. I hated him and still do. But sadly he gave fuel for my hatred of gay men. He was camp, needed to see the sun smoking little bitchey hairy bitch. The stand out moment for me was, me being a non-smoker, trying to have a conversation when he takes a drag and blows it in my face. I thought gays can fuck themselves and their stupid gay camp ways.
At this point on my life the thought hadn’t occurred to me that a gay person could be anything other than obviously camp and skinny with stupid clothes and shoes. But turns out, little gay cunts like Stephen give gay men a bad name, very bad. Stupid Dick. But sadly when you don’t have enough exposure you reason with yourself that all are like this.
So when I met Paul Dixon at wood green I was confused. I was just being myself, enjoying life and going round screaming “dirty gay boys running around smoking crack eating Scooby snacks” or “that album’s gay” when a team mate of mine after around 6 months said, do you realise Paul is gay?
BLEW MY MIND… Sorry? He’s what? But he’s strong and not gay. Gay being a negative adjective here. Turns out he’s one of the nicest guys I’ve met as is his lover of nearly 30 years.
Here is a gay men who has been sex’ing and loyal to the same man for almost 3 times longer than my ma and pa but yet, they are the bad guys. This concept I believe is wasted on many but, a few years back I realised. Everybody has hopes everybody has dreams, they ALL want what’s best for them and fundamentally everybody wants to fit it. So why can a gay couple have to hide it and not show their affection for each other.
For me, I think I’ve got preconceptions that aren’t founded on anything really, but the lack of knowledge really hampers the general consensus. We need more gay people talking about their lives more openly.
If I’m growing up and nobody in football, people I look up to, are gay. If no famous rappers, no people in power, but most importantly my friends are gay how can I really understand what’s going on in their lives and thus draw absolutely nothing from their sexual orientation. As for me, the fact anything is made ever means it’s different. Meaning we lot down on it as its not ‘normal’
I think that the lack of knowledge means I have questions. For example is their love real or is it about gargling cum. Do they fart or does it just come out all day long. How often do they get their bums checked or is it normal. These questions aren’t serious, but at the same time….. Are they lol
What’s any of it mean, tbh I have no real idea. I just know we are all different, yet many people lives are fucked up, no pun intended all because of preconceptions of what normal is…. Na fuck this answer. I need more time to think about this shit.